Definitions that Noah Webster Would Have Rejected

MEDICARE ADVANTAGE ADS ON TV – New venue for decrepit NFL stars to maintain the spotlight.

WASHINGTON, D.C – Center of United States government, much beloved by Chicagoans because it knocked them out of first place as “America’s Most Dysfunctional Metropolis.”

ZEALOUS TOURIST – Person who walks all the way around Mt. Rushmore to check whether the presidents’ butts are as large as their busts.

QUESTION ASKED BY A ZEALOUS LAS VEGAS RESIDENT TOURING ALASKA WITH PARK RANGERS –“What time do you guys turn on the Northern Lights?”

POT – Old term for a food container guaranteeing a stove top encrusted with years of burnt grease and herds of dead ants.

POT –Newer term for leafy plant that can be smoked…..or eetin……or……duh….I forgit watt.

 

 

CADILLAC CAR SALESMEN – Guys whose fondest dream is to raffle off a Catholic Church.

CONCORDE AIRCRAFT – A mailing tube for wealthy Pygmies and other short people.

 

@itspaolopv

TAYLOR SWIFT – Proof to teenage girls that women in their 30s are capable of looking 16.

NEWBORN INFANT – Tiny, helpless human, best off if born to insomniacs who already know how to function while sleepless.

 

 

 

 

CELL PHONE – Item taking great delight in capturing the title “Most Frequently Misplaced/Lost Device.”

ALMOST ALL TELEPHONES NOW ON THE MARKET – Wonderful communication devices with displays of callers’ area codes, allowing recipients to instantly see non-local codes and decide not to answer based on: “Caller is a politician, salesperson, scammer or a low-level creep I don’t want to speak to.”

 

 

RECUMBENT STATIONARY BIKE – Clothes rack for all one’s out-of-season apparel; doubles as an item to brag about: “I spent an hour on my bike yesterday” but forgetting to mention ‘while sleeping.’”

CLAMSHELL CELLPHONE – Device designed by a brain-dead techie who wrote “Off” on the button that turns the phone on.

PUSH BUTTON MECHANISM TO OPEN VEHICLES WINDOWS – Useful device for quickly opening the left window to flip off the low-life jerk who tailgated you and then passed on a double yellow line.

SAME MECHANISM BUT ACTIVATING THE RIGHT WINDOW – Useful item for grumpy British drivers.

 

CAT – Perfect pet choice for narcissists who need to learn that their importance goes no further than the can of Fancy Feast in the cupboard.

BLOODHOUND - #1 most acrobatic dog breed: able to step on its own ears.

 

MOST ABSURD WARNING LABEL ABOUT SIDE EFFECTS OF PILLS – The one on sleeping pills that says, “May cause drowsiness.”  (What? One can only hope!)

SOON TO BE DEVELOPED ROBOT FOR BOTTLERS OF ENSURE, BOOST AND GERITOL – A Hulk Hogan look-alike the companies use to tighten lids on their bottles so that seniors’ fingers get stronger.

 

“ONE SIZE FITS ALL” CLOTHING AD – Deceptive label allowing large people to convince themselves they wear the same size as Twiggy or Gregory Peck.

TRUTHFUL “ONE SIZE FITS ALL” CLOTHING AD – One Size Fits Nobody.

 

 

POTATO CHIPS – Antidote for eradicating the overly sweet taste of too much maple syrup.

REALISTIC QUESTION FOR MCDONALDS EMPLOYEES TO ASK TAKE-OUT CUSTOMERS –Do you want fat with that?”

 

AIR JORDANS – Disgustingly expensive tennis (basketball) shoes, a “must have” for young boys and men who idolized Michael Jordan but whose parents thought the word “air” described their sons’ brains.

FLIP-FLOPS – Imitation shoes designed to do to the wearer’s body what the name says.

 

(This photo was altered. He did not have white sox.)

BOBBY SOCKS – Comfortable footwear of the 1950s and beyond that came with a tag that warned: “Do not allow more than one inch of flesh to show between socks and skirt.”

MENS WHITE SOCKS – Footwear that had a warning label saying, “Wearing with a tuxedo may cause serious injury or death.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MITTENS – Items for winter designed to keep fingers warm but completely unusable.

SNOWSUITS – Cold weather abdomen and leg items designed to increase tranquilizer sales to parents who know their kids will need bathrooms the second the snowsuits are on.

 

 

 

STILETTO HEELS ON WOMEN’S SHOES – Style underwritten by The Orthopedic Surgeons of America Society to accelerate the need for knee replacements in women (or in short men trying to increase their height).

LOAFERS – The only truly sensible footwear ever designed; useful for the lazy, the arthritic, the weak bladdered, pregnant women awaiting labor pains, people with at least one “slob” gene in them (in other words, all of humanity).

SNEAKERS – Absurdly- difficult- to-put- on cloth and rubber-soled footwear requiring ten-foot-long shoestrings, hence the nickname “tennies.”

 

 

BIGGEST FASHION CHANGE OF THE LAST CENTURY – Slacks becoming acceptable wear for women even in more formal, businesslike atmospheres; created freedom for females allowing them to abandon most skirts, dresses and all leg shaving for at least three out of the four seasons in the northern hemisphere.

LEISURE SUIT – Biggest male fashion flop of the last century because guys decided they didn’t like the “starched pajama” look for formal wear.

 

BELL BOTTOMS – Jean and slack design foisted on both sexes by the fashion industry on the premise that the style requires more material and therefore a higher price.

DISTRESSED JEANS PURPOSELY TORN AND MADE TO LOOK OLD – Unseemly retro fashion design championing the look of poverty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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